The email came early one morning, and I made the mistake of opening it before my coffee. Reading the words: Did you meet-up with my husband? He’s not Troy, you know. He’s married! Gave me pause for about a second—Have I met a Troy?—and then I set about my routine of grinding beans and steaming milk.
I get it. Not-Troy is the most important person in this woman’s life, and she found an erotic exchange with some chick named Panty Parade when she was rooting around in his email. Bless her heart. She probably feels vindicated for her indiscretion because she actually found what she was looking for: Her husband was trolling Craigslist so he could get laid.
Just as I do with every man I meet who is in the process of getting a divorce, I want to respond to this woman by asking: What role do you play in making your marriage fall apart? Rather than think about how that question might be helpful, she (like so many of the men) would probably blurt out that she was the victim here. She wasn’t the one doing the cheating. She wasn’t the problem. Wasn’t I listening?
Well, in fact, I am listening. And what I hear—along with what I’m going to tell you—is not going to make anyone happy. Have you had your morning coffee?
Thousands of men troll Craigslist and other pick-up sites on a regular basis. Among these men, a good portion of them are in some form of a committed relationship. A handful of them lie about it, but most of them are perfectly clear that they are looking for a discreet hook-up behind the back of their wife and/or girlfriend.
I post casual encounter ads on Craigslist because I, too, would like to have regular, ongoing casual sex. Being a moderately attractive single woman, I have many outlets for this sort of behavior, but I find that Craigslist provides me with the kind of man (and sex) that I happen to like. While certainly there is quantity (I average 200 emails in the 20 minutes my posting is on Craigslist before it gets flagged and removed), I also find there is quality. Weeding through the riff raff can be exhausting, but just like finding a lump of gold while panning in the river, the pay-off is worth it.
I have a pretty good idea why your husband is trolling Craigslist and neither one of you is entirely innocent.
1. The first reason men will give for why they scour the personals is that they are looking for sex because they are not getting any at home. At first this used to surprise me. Why would you be married to someone who won’t fuck your brains out on a regular basis? Then I started paying attention to stories from men who are divorced and trying to date. Their ex-wives lacked a sex drive. Everything was good and then she changed. Hmmm.
These very same men enjoy fucking me and choose to date (and eventually marry) nice girls. They choose the good girl over the bad girl all of the time, and then they wonder why their sex lives have dried up. Now, who’s to blame for that?
2. Historically, marrying a woman turns her into a commodity for which the man is now responsible. He must provide for her, care for her, and nurture her so that she can bear and raise children. This tradition is alive and well in modern society and sometimes it gets manipulated by unethical (gasp!) people who want to milk the system. These sorts of arrangements may work well on some level, but they rarely amount to hot, passionate, ongoing sex lives. When women marry for money, or men find a trophy wife, they are just asking for trouble in the long run.
3. Probably more times than not, the men who email me on Craigslist will never talk to me, meet me, fuck me, or leave you for me. They are just looking for a little attention. They like the feeling of having a secret. It is fun getting sexy texts at work. It makes them feel desirable again. Is this emotional cheating? I suppose. It just doesn’t seem like something to get all worked up about.
4. For many people, monogamy is how they define their marriage. I suspect that these very same people were serial monogamists while they were single. In other words, they’ve never actually been single. They never played the field. I’m not going to say that monogamy is unnatural or a recipe for disaster. What I am going to say is that that model isn’t for everyone even though mainstream society says that it should be. Some people never need to play the field. Some of us should never stop.
5. When reports came out that Tiger Woods had been ass-fucking high-priced call girls, I thought to myself, His wife knows what’s going on. She told him to keep his cock away from her anus, and now he needs to find that kink somewhere else. Reading the personal ads on Craigslist is like walking up and down the aisles reading the covers of pornographic DVD’s. There are girls who want to get gang banged. Married men who are curious about cock. Women who need a little cash. Men who want to try on little girls’ panties. T-girls who offer “the best of both worlds.” Those who like to watch and those who like to lick. There are aspiring erotica writers who get off by telling you all they will never actually do to you. Some want to get plugged. Others want to strap one on. We are Doms, subs, Size Queens, Bears, Cougars, Cubs, Sugars, and MILFs.
When your husband trolls Craigslist, chances are that he’s ready to explore a kink that he believes (or knows) you are not going to accept. Whether it’s a lack of communication before you marry, or his tastes have changed as he’s matured, your man wants to try things sexually that he’s not getting at home.
Before you “secretly” start scrolling through his text messages while he’s in the shower. . . . Before you root around on his laptop looking for cookies connected to porn. . . . And, please, before you shoot off an email to ME about your Not-Troy going behind your back on Craigslist, think about what you are doing in your marriage that contributes to these behaviors.
Either accept that it’s going to happen or do something about it. Craigslist is not going away. And neither am I.